Floodlighting is in the spotlight in the dating game. Well, if you are thinking, ‘Oh God, another year, another dating term?’ It’s a new trend in the dating world, but, you must be aware of it, to sail smoothly through your relationship. Floodlighting is a toxic dating trend, which you want to keep at bay forever.
What is floodlighting?
If you are new to a relationship or just started seeing someone recently, you must know about floodlighting. Do you think, you or your potential partner are sharing ‘too much too soon?’ Well, brace yourself, because this will shock you for real.
Floodlighting is a manipulative dating tactic, where the person shares deeply personal information all at once. This might include past relationship trauma or childhood struggles. The person might share very early in a relationship to create a false sense of intimacy, gain the other person’s empathy and trust, or see if the other person can ‘handle’ these parts of you!
The term floodlighting was coined by Brené Brown, author of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage.
Brown thinks oversharing does not really showcase the person’s vulnerability, it’s floodlighting. “Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting… A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here’s why,” she says in the book The Power of Vulnerability.
She continues, “I’m scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I’m under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I’m feeling hurt – the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it – I don’t know you very well or I’m in front of a big group, or it’s a story that I haven’t processed enough to be sharing with other people – and you immediately respond “hands up; push me away” and I go, “See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I’m hurting. I knew it.” It’s how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
She also says that to understand floodlighting, one has to see that the intentions behind this kind of sharing are multifaceted and often include some combination of soothing one’s pain, testing the loyalty and tolerance in a relationship, and/or hot-wiring a new connection, which means ‘we’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks, but I’m going to share this and we’ll be BFFs now.’
“Unfortunately for all of us who’ve done this (and I include myself in this group), the response is normally the opposite of what we’re looking for: People recoil and shut down, compounding our shame and disconnection. You can’t use vulnerability to discharge your own discomfort, or as a tolerance barometer in a relationship (“I’ll share this and see if you stick around”), or to fast-forward a relationship—it just won’t cooperate.” says Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.
What’s wrong with flood lighting?
Though having an emotional openness is important in relationships, oversharing can be really harmful.
Risk of exploitation: Sharing too much too soon can make you vulnerable to manipulation.
Imbalanced dynamics: When one person overshares, it leaves little room for the other person to share. This can make one person the ’emotional caretaker’ and disrupt the balance of the relationship.
False intimacy: Sharing personal details too soon can create a bond that isn’t sustainable in the long run. This is because flashlighting leads you to haste through the relationship, without respecting its natural course.
Insecurity: Oversharing often stems from fear of rejection and a need for acceptance. Both are not ideal for a healthy relationship.
It’s best to take a step back and analyze if you feel you or your partner are floodlighting. Let the relationship take its natural course and flourish. That’s the best way forward.
(Pic courtesy: iStock)